The Treehouse by Naomi Wolf

When I was at university I worked at a large call centre for a direct marketing company who sold wine. Populated mainly by actors, film people, musicians and students the place was constantly abuzz with conversations about what people 'really' did. I worked there for 4 years, the entire duration of my course and as I watched streams of actors come and go between auditions and small roles, it seemed to me that many of them (especially older the ones), were pining constantly for a lover who didn't love them. I always wondered when they would draw the line and decide that perhaps they were just not going to 'make' it.

Ah the innocence of babes! When I finished my own dubious degree in the 'arts', I came crashing down to earth with the realisation that someone who had studied ancient Mongolian languages actually had a better chance of getting a job than I did. With no job or kudos to validate my work, I quietly packed it up and drew the line. But passions un-fueled leave your soul cold, and I found myself vainly trying to reestablish an artistic practise. It seemed however that making a commitment to your craft regardless of the result, is a frightening leap worthy of any base jumper.

This leap is the unlikely subject of Naomi Wolf's book 'The Treehouse', a simple and personal memoir about her father, a poet and a teacher, who in 12 essential lessons, categories the practise of committing to your craft, and should you not have one, seeking out what is unique and purposeful about your soul. Wolf weaves a narrative about the building of her daughter's tree house with her father's life story and his lessons. The treehouse becomes a symbolic shelter where the you can grow into who you are, high above the world ignorant to it's trials and demands.

For anyone looking to move their life agenda beyond the commercial considerations we all seem to live and die by this book is a beacon. It provides a guiding light to gently uncover and refine who we really are, and to respect what we create whether it be a painting, music, a cake or a lovely afternoon with a child. Wolf's dad Leonard is a charming role model, who refuses to believe that life must or should be limited in anyway. From his eccentric dress choices, which vary from a yellow rain slicker to a Greek shepherd's shirt, to full English riding outfit. To his unshakable belief that every human being has a creative message within their soul, a message from a higher place, and that our only purpose here on earth is to unearth that message.

This book is a profound discussion with a creative elder, someone who has devoted their entire lives to a creative pursuit and thus know it's real pitfalls and pay offs. However in reviewing Leonard's lessons we open our eyes to the many subtle and wonderful creative acts going on around us everyday. Our lives after all are our greatest creative masterpiece. That every person has a unique purpose is something I have always believed in, but somehow I thought that discovering your purpose would then take you into the world to find fame, fortune or success.

I am discovering however that it is in the doing, the creating and the living that life's rewards are reaped.

Eco Warriors

Hodka Eco Village Gujarat, India

After September 11th, I remember sadly thinking that this event would be the hallmark of my era, that I would think of this horrifying day as the mark of how the world had changed when I was a young adult. Last night I felt joyous to report, that this outlook has changed...

All around me of late I am noticing the extraordinary prominence of the Environment as not only a subject of dreaded apprehension as it has been in the past, but rather as a subject of activism and action. People are actively and happily engaging with reducing their carbon foot print and putting the needs of Earth above their own. It's becoming something of a fashion to be green, although this has it's problem ie. the 'greenwashing' of many products that are anything but green. It is however, great to see humans seriously contemplating for the first time that we could live more simple lives and still be very happy, if not more so. I am coming to hope that this is what my era will be noted for, the age of the peaceful Eco warrior.

Last night Sixty Minutes featured several Eco Villages around the world, housing developments that are completely self-sustaining. Since Greg and I moved to Chippendale and have been awed by the work of Michael Mobbs, who has manged to convert a city terrace into a water, waste and energy efficient home. It has always been our dream to design and build a home of our own where we can be completely off the grid and live without impacting on the environment.

The program featured Earthships eccentric homes designed and built by architect Mike Reynolds, these had me positively vibrating with excitement as not only were his homes made entirely from recycled materials and able to generate their own electricity through solar power. They collect rainwater, only 8 inches a year in the deserts of New Mexico and recycle that for use all year around, even sustaining a vegetable garden inside the house. I was enchanted by the design and aesthetics of the houses, which are fashioned like the old Mexican mud buildings, made with smooth mud walls and painted in bright colours. It reminded me of the Eco Village we visited in India recently. (I have posted a picture above).

It is not often that your exact dreams are crystallized as images before you, and even though this particular dream is still far away, I am still feeling the buzz of having seen it can be a reality.

The Power of Now by Eckhardt Tolle

Take a deep breath and look around you at this moment, suspend yourself in it now, block out both the past and the future and take stock with all your senses of this present moment. My moment is pure bliss, my neck is encased in a soft Indian cotton scarf which is holding and radiating the warmth of my neck. I am snuggled into my favourite red chair in my lounge room, listening to the whir of cars as they rush by, and the lulling sound of someone practising their violin next door. I can smell the red onion I had for lunch and feel it's burn on the back of my throat. Although a knot of tension hangs in my stomach, I give it no words, I instead feel its pulsing and acknowledge it's presence. Right now, I have nothing to regret and nothing to fear.

If I were to leave this moment however for the usual destinations I choose to be in, that knot in my stomach would start filling with words. Expressing doubts and fears, about my future, what I was going to do and what it was going to bring. My throat would be scraping with the memories of the past, times that I regretted, people who hurt me ranging from longing to anger. The whir of the cars and the sweetness of the violin would be replaced with the conversations I have had or will have, reeling through my mind like a movie. Then I remember movies aren't real.

This is basically what The Power of Now is all about, realising that the past and the future are creations of the mind no more important than daydreams or fantasising. They are creations that have very little true meaning in our lives, but carry a large impact. Never before had I realised how much of life I was missing to be in these phantom places. Time rehashing a past I can not alter and time spent waiting, for a better job, to lose some weight, until I had money, to move, to have a baby. To think of the frustration of waiting for a bus that is a few minutes late in comparison to the years I have spent waiting for the future to appear without realising that it was here now.

On this Friday afternoon, not even the most elaborate of plans or details I had imagined in the past could have brought me here to this moment, the future happens with or without thinking, worrying and trying to control it. When I picked up this book I thought that using the word 'power' was a marketing term used to give dimension to a fairly simple concept. However at the end of this book, I can see that there is unimaginable power in the now.

In fact all other times leave us powerless, the past is gone and there is nothing we can do, say or think that can possibly change it, and the future is unknown, we can only fill it with expectations and fears. The now however, should we give attention to it, is the only time we can embody and embrace, a time that our senses can engage in. Somehow fully engaging in this moment, means the future is taken care of.

The basics of the book are, follow your breath it is always in a state of now, give absolute focus to what you are doing now and let all the other noise fall away. Track your body, feel the energy currents, sensations and pains within in, the body is always present. Most importantly however is to surrender, to let go of all resistance, wanting, craving and wishing that your life situation was different to what it is. Where you are is exactly where you are meant to be.

This is a life changing book, and should its practise be adopted on a global scale it could be a world changing book. It is not easy to read, but it is worth it, so persist. I highlighted so much of this book, only a few lines remain white, below are just a few key quotes;

"Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life."

"If it is the quality of your consciousness at this moment that determines the future, then what is it that determines the quality of your consciousness? Your degree of presence"

"So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation"

"A great deal of what people say, think, or do is actually motivated by fear, which of course is always linked with having your focus on the future and being out touch with the Now."

"See if you can give much more attention to the doing than to the result that you want to achieve through it"

"Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret to life is to "die before you die" and find that there is no death."

"True change happens within, not without"

"The mind, conditioned as it is by the past, always seeks to re-create what is knows and is familiar with. Even it is painful, at least it is familiar. The mind always adheres to the known. The unknown is dangerous because it has no control over it. That's why the mind dislikes and ignores the present moment. Present-moment awareness creates a gap not only in the stream of mind but also in the past-future continuum."

Days Of Our Lives

As hard as I have been trying to remain positive and move forward, last night I just broke down and cried for a couple of hours. It was 'Days of Our Lives' meets a country and western song as I had to admit to myself just how afraid and lost I felt - about my life and it's purpose.

For as long as I can remember I have believed that every human being is here to fulfill a 'purpose', a higher good both for themselves and the universe at large. Although I wanted and craved success in some measure for my whole life, this belief was beyond that. I had a certainty that carrying out my 'purpose' regardless of its result would feel meaningful and bring a peace and contentment to my soul. Somehow this idea of purpose got fused into the idea of work, with what I wanted to do with my life needing to carry meaning for the world. As it turned out it does not really work that way.

A few years ago, in an attempt to fulfill my 'purpose' I went to Wilcannia to teach at the central school there, Wilcannia is 14 hours away from Sydney, a dust bowl in the middle of no where with a shop, a pub and a service station. The school has a 99% Aboriginal population with a mixture, of neglected, abused, violent and sad children. It was one of the most devastating experiences of my life to see these kids, with no food, sexually abused, not aware of their birthdays and sometimes parents, and with absolutely no wish to live differently. I thought since art saved my life and gave me the aspiration to be better and live better, that it could do the same for these children. I was so wrong, and the whole experience was so painful. And so went my various attempts to find this 'purpose'.

I have reached the point now where my belief in this 'purpose' is shaken to its core and I have to surrender and accept, work, life, my artistic practise, writing and living for exactly what it is. I am beginning to realise that perhaps, we don't decide or even direct this 'purpose'. That all we can do is accept our lives and prepare our souls for when this 'purpose' comes to us. With this realisation I was reading the 'The Power of Now' and felt like I was directly spoken to.

"Surrender does not transform what is, at least not directly. Surrender transforms you. When you are transformed, your whole world is transformed, because the world is only a reflection".

It reminded me of the story of 'The Fisher King', who sort the Holy Grail to heal his wounded legs and aching body, he sent out his best knights and none were able to return with the grail. Then one day he is sitting in his court yard, when a beggar passes him, the king asks the beggar for a glass of water. When he drinks from the cup the beggar gives him, he is immediately healed and realises he is holding the holy grail. He asks the beggar how did you secure what my best and brightest could not. The beggar replies that he doesn't know, all he knows that the King was thirsty and he brought him water.

Life is indeed in the details, perhaps I have been missing the small offerings I could make today, in search of a grail that is already mine.

Feast On Your Life

Job hunting and all it's paraphernalia, resumes, interviews, and generally hanging on the phone has been the order of the day this week.

Staying in the NOW and out of your head while job hunting is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, although I remind myself daily that 'this is not Days of Lives' thus hold the drama. There are still some strange internal conversations happening in my head right now. Am I good enough, will I be good at this, will it all work out, will the other kids play nice, what if I turn up to school naked....ahhhhhh!!! and the crazy goes on...and on.

Meditation has of course been my saving grace, last night I met with my bi-weekly power group 'The Circle' to discuss goals, dreams and the divine, the meditation at the end was the first one that set me right this week. After clearing our internal space we imagined streams of beautiful white light pouring through us and filling us with the grace of the heavens. Finally the tweedle dee and tweedle dum of my thoughts found themselves too occupied with bliss to be nattering about my short comings.

I am challenging myself at present to be present, that means embracing everything in the present, now, and accepting that everything that is, is exactly as it is meant to be. I am tired of trying to reach that 'dream' life chasing that elusive rainbow with the pot of gold underneath it. I have a dream life now, I want for nothing, I have a great house, a beautiful husband, great friends, a loving family, and the ability to pick and choose what I want to do next.

Essentially I am blessed and I want to start feeling the bliss of that blessing in every part of my life, not just when I meditate. I read a great poem this week which sums it up below.

Love after Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

Enjoying the Now

Greg and I have had the most amazing weekend, kicked of on Friday with dinner and a good chin wag with my friend Adrian. Adrian is working on Baz Lurman's new film 'Australia' and gave us a little bit of goss on the stars, it all felt so LA. Adrian however is anything but, instead he is a lovely validation that you can be following your dreams and work in a really cool industry without being pulled into all the bullshit of it.

Then it was off to my parents house for my little sister's 9th birthday party, which was a surreal blur of screaming 9 year old's, hocked up on sugar and generally going a bit nuts. Fueled up on lollies, party pies and stolen chocolates we took the scenic drive to Greg's brothers for a weekend of food, sleep and long walks along the beach. The food was mouth watering, Greg's brother Paul made gnocchi from scratch topped with wild mushrooms, followed by a leg of lamb stuffed with anchovies and rubbed with Olive tepenade. It was delicious and sedated me into a calm sleep, basking in the quiet and starring out at the stars.

We awoke to a clear blue sky, buttery yellow sunshine, and a winter bare tree crowned with about 10 cockatoo's, it was magic. Paul, his wife Teena, Greg and I then spent a couple of hours on the deck soaking up the sunshine and enjoying a lazy breakfast. As I looked out over the landscape of a still ocean and crystal blue skies I started to do what I always do, wishing, wanting and craving that I could have this all the time. Completely overlooking the fact that I had it now. The negativity and sadness started to swell up even though I was in the midst of this almost perfect moment. Luckily I caught myself and remembered that everything was mine to enjoy if I was prepared to stay here and now to savour it.

Welcome

Well I felt it was finally time to reveal myself and make a damn commitment. I have been keeping this blog since April of this year, but I wasn't really sure where it was going and what story I was going to be telling on it. To be honest I still don't really know, I think it will evolve in it's own time and pace into what it is meant to be.

Overall, this is a personal journey, a book review site, a place to reflect on my life and get into the practise of writing, until hopefully I have something meaningful to put into a book.

So welcome, bookmark me, read me often and tell everyone you know. I will be posting at least twice a week, now that I hopefully have an audience of more than one.

To Xanthe my first and most faithful reader - THANK YOU!